A few years ago, I got to thinking about warning labels and some of the phrases contained on them, and it kind of got out of hand and soon I was including all kinds of phrases from all over the place. It went something like this…
WARNING: Contents under pressure. Do not puncture or incinerate can. Keep out of the reach of children. Harmful or fatal if swallowed. If sprayed in eyes, flush with water. Contact a Poison Control Center immediately. Do not induce vomiting. Do not exceed 6 pills in 24 hours except as directed by a physician. Post no bills. In case of fire, do not use elevator, use the stairs. If this had been an actual emergency, the attention signal you just heard would have been followed by news and official information or instructions. Do not attempt. Professional driver on closed course. Intentional misuse by deliberate concentration and inhalation of fumes may be harmful or fatal. Use with adequate ventilation. Not intended for use by children under the age of twelve. If splashed in eyes, flush with water. Seek immediate medical attention. Void where prohibited or taxed. No deposit, no return. Cook to a minimum internal temperature of 160°. Dispose of properly. The programs telecast by this station may not be used for any purpose except exhibition at the time of their telecast on receivers of the type ordinarily used for home reception in places where no admission, cover, or mechanical operating charges are made. If product does not perform properly, return for refund or replacement. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Any reproduction or other use of the accounts, descriptions or play-by-play of this game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited. Not to be taken internally. Cigarette smoking may be hazardous to your health. Do not mix with chlorine bleach. Stand on the right, walk on the left. Please hold handrail. Please do not leave children unattended. Unattended children will be given a free puppy. Maximum capacity 2000 lbs. Authorized personnel only. No smoking past this point. Employees must wash hands before returning to work. No loitering. Visitors must use main entrance and sign in at main office. It’s not how long you make it, it’s how you make it long. Make deliveries in rear. Address service requested. Notary Sojac. To avoid electric shock, unplug before cleaning. Safety hat and goggles required. No soliciting, peddling, handbills, or overnight parking. Ask attendant to replace towel. Please keep area clean. In case of fire, break glass. Alarm will sound if door is opened. This neighborhood is protected by neighborhood crime watch volunteers.
Can you think of anything to add?
from The Sound of One Hand Typing