This month’s question:
“What’s a decision you’ve made in the past that you know, logically, was the right decision to make, but which you still feel guilty or regretful about?”
I’ve been going over this in my head, and to be honest, the only times I’ve had any kind of feeling like this is when we have had to put one of our cats to sleep.
It’s a hard choice, to decide that it’s time for your buddy to depart for the Rainbow Bridge and to bring it to the vet for that syringe that will send him away forever. Logically, you know it’s the right thing to do, but you just can’t bear to say goodbye. You want them to live with you forever and to keep being your little guy. You want the vet to say “you don’t have to say goodbye! We can fix this!” But you know he won’t, because he can’t.
So you sit with your friend and hold him and pet him and tell him how much you love him as you watch his pupils dilate and he goes limp. And all the way home, you start thinking, he could have lived longer, how selfish it was that you deprived him of life, his best buddy deciding he didn’t want him anymore, even though he could have been cured… you gave up too soon, there was more that you could have done to give your little buddy more time. Your buddy didn’t die, YOU KILLED HIM.
Then you remember watching him drag himself around the house, hair tangled and matted, not even having the energy to clean himself. You remember going to the store and buying the most expensive food to somehow entice him to eat and getting more and more worried as you watched him starve himself to nothing but skin and bones. You remember watching him try and get on the bed or a chair, watching him bang his face into the side, until you finally pick him up and carry him there. You remember the days coming home and finding him stretched out on the floor and thinking that nature had taken its course, taking the decision out of your hands. And you realize, you did the right thing.
Gradually, the sorrow and self-doubt is replaced by memories of the happy times you had together. And you realize that you knew from the beginning that when you brought your little guy home from the shelter or let him into your house for the first time that the day would come where you’d have to part ways, and that you gave him his “forever” home for as much forever as the two of you had. And you thank The Powers That Be that you had that time.
Sorry if that wasn’t the answer you were looking for, but it’s the answer I have, and it took a lot out of me.
from The Sound of One Hand Typing